When I was 23 and said “I do” to my hubby; I had no clue what I was saying. When I committed to love him no matter what, I didn’t expect my selfish ways to be a problem. And when I vowed to cherish him, sometimes I asked myself what in the world that meant.
Then something happened. Something that shook me, slapped my senses and that’s when our relationship began to glow.
All began when……adversity visited our marriage. Blame flew all over our arguments, hardships threatened to divide us, and heartache zapped our romance.
Then God intervened. We both turned to him. Admitting our frailty and foolishness, we placed it all before Him. With desperate hearts, we both looked up at Him, His instructions, His guidance, and His wisdom. Then with His brush of love, He painted strokes of restoration, healing, and strength.
And when we recently celebrated our 40th anniversary, I reflected on what keeps us in love, cherishing each other and expecting another 40 years.
Here are the 10 tips to make your marriage glow no matter what you’re facing:
Forgive the small stuff, talk about the big stuff, and forgive that, too.
As often as possible, bring to mind your spouse’s strengths.
Praise your spouse before others. A compliment in private is encouraging. Praise before others is transforming.
Never try to change your spouse. Find what needs to change in you instead.
Make memories by planning moments together.
Surprise each other with a kind gesture.
Write your feelings of love rather than just saying them.
Physical contact is good for the heart. Make sure to give a hug, a loving tap, a squeeze of the arm, a peck, etc. Do this at least eight times a day (proven to be a powerful habit that keeps blood pressure down).
When discussing difficult concerns, avoid blame; instead express how you feel inside.
Express gratitude often, and even for little things.
A marriage is a sailboat; we are in control of the sail, determining where it goes.
They say, “All good things must come to an end.” Well, things moved along very well for our little construction business, for a couple of years, until 1981. By that time, our little construction company had expanded into building mostly custom homes and duplexes. We had just finished a new “Spec” home and were in the middle of one of those duplex projects. Wouldn’t you know it, that was the year when the Prime Interest Rate rose to an all-time high of 21% and people couldn’t afford the loans to buy a new home.
The rise in interest rates happened so fast that we got caught with that one unsold home. In addition to that, the person who had contracted with us to buy the duplex we were building defaulted on his contract with us, and then sued us when we refused to give him his deposit back. This law-suit action unnerved Ivan and Dora and they closed the “Company Bank” on any further building projects. We finally sold the one remaining home, but it took a full year to settle the law-suit over the duplex contract. After the law-suit was settled (in our favor) we were able to sell the duplex, so we didn’t lose any money on either of these projects. But, the days of our little construction company were numbered.
I continued to work with my contractor friend part-time on a few of his projects until 1984, when LMSC called me back to work on their improved Trident II submarine missile flat pad development program. This job required my full attention on the day shift, with additional hours of over-time, which pretty much curtailed any building contracting work. The Trident II program operated from the brand new Launch Complex 46 facility on the Cape Canaveral AFS. The four-year development program went very fast and ended for me in 1989.
This time, LMSC offered me a transfer to the Lockheed Space Operations Co. (LSOC), a subsidiary created to operate the Space Shuttle processing program at the KSC, or be laid off with most of the rest of the test organization. Since I didn’t have any prospects for a job with any of the other aerospace companies I had worked for, I chose the transfer. I ended up working on Launch Complex 39 A/B for an ex-Douglas engineer, and friend, who I had interfaced with on the Apollo/ Saturn V moon rocket, way back in 1965, when I was working for North American Aviation. I finished out my 35-year Aerospace career with LSOC helping process Space Shuttle launches and many of its California landing recoveries until 1996 when I retired.
I had kept my Contractors licenses current, all these years, with the hopes that I could go back to building houses after I retired. However, now land values had gone sky high and availability was almost non-existent. Someone has said that you have to let something you love go before you can get it back. My dream of being “The Contractor” was great but short lived, and it took me many years to get over that desire. But, I finally had to let it go, as the violent ups and downs of the new home market never gave me a decent opportunity to get that dream back. I now had to look for other challenges, such as hobbies, travel and writing, to occupy my retirement time. I’ve done that, and after 20 years, I am still enjoying every minute of my retirement life. I can defiantly recommend retirement. Try it as early as you can. I think you will like it.
Recently I wrote about Love (December 20, 2015).…..what is love? There are so many kinds of love in this life – the love of best friends, the love of a spouse, the love of parent for a child – and the child for the parent. The love of a person for the Loving Heavenly Father who blesses us with so much in this life, and His love for us.
In my lifetime, I’ve been blest with all of the above. God has been so gracious to me and I thank Him daily for those blessings.
But I also have “mementos” of some of those blessings. For instance:
This little hanger-on has meaning for me. When we were living in Panama City, Florida (Tyndall AFB), Fred had the opportunity to go to Colorado Springs, Colorado for a conference, and was able to take me along with him. We arranged for our daughters to stay with people, and we were set to go. Unfortunately, as the time to leave drew closer, the military found a military flight for Fred to take – which meant I would have to travel alone. That really wasn’t a problem, except we like to travel together. Oh well, such is the way with the military. When I finally arrived in Colorado Springs, it was full dark. Fred picked me up from the airport and we headed to the motel. The next morning, as I woke up, he told me not to get out of bed just yet, and to face the window. Wondering what in the world???….he pulled open the curtains………and there in all her glory was Pike’s Peak in the bright morning sunlight!! Gorgeous! All that to say that this little memento is from that trip. Whenever I look at it, I remember that time, and the beautiful surprise Fred had for me, and his delight in giving that surprise to me.
And this little plaque:
This was painted by our daughter, Karen, when she was rather young. I actually don’t remember when she gave it to us, but we’ve had it a long time. And we both treasure it. It is a memento of the love she had as a child for her parents.
For this past Christmas, Fred was given a “tea” set – mug, lemon tea bags, and this plaque that says the same thing as the mug.
Because we both believe the words of this scripture to be so very true, we treasure this plaque, and have added it to our collection of love mementos. When we look at it each day, it reminds us of God’s love for us, and how we need to treat that love, and how to pass it along to those God places in our pathway each day. We can only pray that we live up to His desires for us.
We’re more or less skipping Christmas this year. I’ve told several people when they ask, “Are you ready for Christmas?” Asking is one of the thing good Americans do. But I’m going on with my daily routines, not because of the so called commercialism a lot of folks love to rave about, but because of the time and work that’s needed to fulfill the requirements and expectations of the holiday. I know a lot of people glory in those things, and I hope everything goes smoothly and well, for them.
We grass-root Americans are the cream of the crop, the salt of the earth, but we may have one or two weaknesses. One weakness may be to expect others to be like us. That’s the downside of tradition. The upside is lovely celebrations, being together with people you love, color, movement, music, gifts (if you need or want something and the givers choose correctly.)
The first four people I said no to when they asked, “Are you ready for Christmas?” gave me agreeable and kindly responses like, “I wish we could do that.” Those were men. One dear man asked if we were changing religions, though. I told him we weren’t skipping Jesus, not at all. The women gave a little different answer depending on whether they had children or grandchildren. Those selfless people struggle to do their best to make a memory and they love it and feel good about what they have accomplished. I do not begrudge them.
I did my best to make Christmas magical when our children and grandchildren were growing up. I bought them presents with money Bill earned, I put up a tree, and I baked. I was a good daughter and sister, too. I bought and sent packages to California and New Mexico and I spent hours writing Christmas cards with messages in them. The year I noticed that I was busy most of every day of December I began to think about slowing down. There were other things I’d rather be doing. For some, I know, the work of Christmas is a joy and I say God bless you in every endeavor. I know what fun those things can be.
This year I thought I’d watch Christmas movies to get me in the mood. Wouldn’t, “Are you in the in the mood for Christmas,” be a more telling question than are you ready for Christmas? Some people are in the mood and some aren’t, but why should anybody have to measure up to someone else’s perceptions about it? Let each of us know God and know ourselves and do what is right for us and our families.
Over the years, I’ve quit baking, reduced the number of gifts, and slowed down on decorating. This year I’m doing none of those things. This is the happiest and lightest Christmas I’ve ever had. Mostly I’m loving the music and other people’s decorations, we’re not so much into sweets anymore, but I don’t care what others think or do. I’m mature enough to make up my own mind what to focus on.
Even with all the conflict, I do thank God for giving His son, Jesus Christ, to walk with us through our time on earth and to forgive our trespasses… I do love Jesus. He is the greatest gift we could ever have received, and I’m satisfied with all the blessings he has given us, especially our friends and family. Please don’t judge us and we won’t judge you. We wish you a wonderful Christmas. And by the way, we’re grateful for every good (and bad) thing that comes our way, including any opportunity to show love to others.
Romans 12:2The Message (MSG)
Place Your Life Before God
12 1-2 So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
Christmas didn’t call for a celebration. Not anymore. Not when you have a vital part of your life missing. It’s been twelve years since we lost our son Joe. Festivities don’t seem to have the joy they should. And Christmas trees don’t emanate the usual scent.
Actually, my days needed to erase Christmas, the birthdays, the holidays—all ushered pain rather than delight. They reminded me of what I once had and now what was gone. The world celebrated, greetings of good wishes filled the room. But when tragedy turns your world upside down, no amount of cheer can bring clarity to the fog of sadness.
Strange, though. Often, it’s the scorching pain that forces our eyes to open to a bigger picture. It did for me as I rewound memories of past Christmases.
Years ago, when our three sons, including Joe, were still young, I focused on providing a perfect Christmas, a perfect tree to wrap a perfect celebration. As a result, little things tended to roil in me such as a light strand that refused to shine because of a burned out bulb. Annoyed at the glitch, I promptly set off to resolve it —I fussed, I rearranged, plugged and unplugged until frustration grew hot in me. How foolish and silly. I focused on that one bulb, dismissing the glow of the star atop the Christmas tree.
I’ve done the same with light bulbs that burned in my life—from broken relationships to shattered plans. Exerting tons of energy trying to fix them, I missed Christ, the newborn King—the star that gave significance to my life. The star that covers shadows of gloom and sorrow.
Joe’s memories changed—his sweet smile, his tender hugs and his sense of humor now sit atop of my life, casting off that glow to bring back the joy. To remind me that he’s not gone, not from my heart, not from my mind. Also not gone are the images of his spunky self.
When that void in our heart aches to be filled, it’s Christ’s star of comfort that makes it whole. When bitter sorrow robs the spirit of Christmas, it’s the star of His everlasting love that whispers joy. When a health diagnosis shakes our world, it’s His star of reassurance that shines the certainty of new tomorrows. When the economy robs our security, it’s the star of God’s provision that ushers the radiance of reassurance. It’s the same star that never loses the brilliance of hope, incomprehensible hope, one we can safely embrace even when all strands of life burn out.
I admit it – I love to look at the e-mails we are sent, and I enjoy most of the facebook stuff I look at. I also have to admit that on FB, I usually just look for the “pictures” and videos rather than all the verbiage presented there.
I’ve been really amused by some of the pictures on FB. This one really caught my eye and had a good laugh over it. When I showed it to Fred, he laughed, as well.
What do you think? Cute, huh?
But think how creative that truck driver was to put this together. It didn’t really take a lot of thought to do this, but gave a great deal of enjoyment to those who saw it.
The same could be said of the things we say and do in our lives, to those around us. Do we say and do things that bring joy to those we live with? Or to our neighbors? Or to our fellow church-goers? Or have we become so jaded that we don’t have any joy left in our lives?
Recently I had total knee replacement – not a fun thing, that’s for sure. It was done to help relieve the pain in my knee, since the “cushion” in my knee was gone, and the two bones in my knee were grating upon each other. Ouch!! But through the surgery and the following physical therapy, I’ve tried to keep an upbeat spirit. One of the best exercises was what they call “foot pumps.” I joked that I would probably wake up from the anesthesia saying “foot pumps….foot pumps.”
I’ve joked with the therapists and their assistants. When the therapist commented that I wasn’t “grunting and groaning” when he was severely pushing on my leg, I told him that my mind was saying “I can do all things through Christ who keeps pouring power into me….. I can do all things through Christ who keeps pouring power into me….. I can do all things through Christ who keeps pouring power into me…..(and by the way – that’s what the Greek actually says!)” And he laughed. I’ve gone back to see the nurse on the floor of the hospital where I was for four days. She was such an inspiration – she even pulsed pom-poms as encouragement for us to get up and walk! She always had a smile on her face. And she seems pleased when Fred and I go back just to see her. We get hugs.
My time in the physical therapy clinic is past now….anything else I “recover” will be by my own working out. Recently on FB, I saw a video clip of a little girl – she couldn’t have been more than 1½ years old, trying to walk to her encouraging Daddy. The thing that impressed me was that she was trying to learn to walk with a prosthetic leg! I saw that and said to myself…”Well, Judy, if she can do THAT, you can just suck it up and dig in and work to get this leg back into shape! No more belly-aching!!”
Everyone says that laughter – a good old-fashioned belly laugh – is some of the best medicine anyone can have in healing. And that’s why that toy truck struck my funny-bone. It gave me such a good laugh, that my spirits were lifted.
And here’s a directive from scripture:
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: REJOICE!
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than delight. They reminded me of what I once had and now what was gone. The world celebrated, greetings of good wishes filled the room. But when tragedy turns your world upside down, no amount of cheer can bring clarity to the fog of sadness.
Old Things R New 