Tag Archives: Humor

A Tribute to Erma Bombeck

26 Jan

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

AT WIT’S END

As I mentioned last time, from time-to-time I go through some of my “stuff” – mostly papers – and run across some things that I’ve saved for one reason or another.  That happened recently, while I was searching for a particular photo I wanted to use in one of my postings.

In searching, I came upon this article written by Erma Bombeck.  She always wrote such fun and funny things.  Obviously this one was written about teenagers, and I must have saved it because I had teenagers at the time.  In any case, I thought it was funny – and appropriate – enough to save.

I hope you think the same.

Here is “At Wits End” by Erma Bombeck:

Judy is living in Central Florida with her retired U.S. Air Force husband of 50+ years. Born in Dallas, Texas, she grew up in the Southwestern United States.She met her husband at their church, where he was attending the university in her town. After college and seminary, he entered the Air Force, and their adventures began.They lived in eight of our United States, and spent six years in Europe, where their oldest daughter was born. She was a stay-at-home mom for many years .

  Judy has always been involved with music, both playing the piano and singing. Always interested in exercise, she was an aerobic dancing instructor, as well as a piano teacher for many years, and continues to faithfully exercise at home.

After moving to Central Florida, she served as a church secretary for nearly nine years.Her main hobby at this point in time is scanning pictures and 35mm slides into the computer. She also enjoys scrapbooking.She and her husband have two married daughters and four grandchildren, including grandtwins as well as a great-grandson. She and her husband enjoy the Disney parks as often as possible.

Smith Sayings

15 Dec

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

As I mentioned last time, I recently went through some of my stuff – papers, mostly – and I found some interesting things that sparked my interest.  Obviously this one sparked my interest some time ago, because I cut out this clipping.  I got a good laugh out of most of these.  See what you think:

I especially like the first one – “The size of your foot has very little to do with your ability to get it into your mouth.”  Oh my…how many times have I done just that??!!  Far too many, that’s for sure.  James 1:26 in the Bible tells us to keep a tight rein on our tongues.  I’m old enough that you would think I would have a good handle on that, but I seem to keep putting my foot in my mouth all the time! 

Chucks, Converse, Shoes, Footwear

Credit Google Search and Pixabay

Number three is a good follow-on to number one, don’t you think?

Remember…your tongue is in a wet place and likely to slip!

Number eight is certainly one to remember.  If you fall down, keep getting up!  And you can fall down in many ways – not just physically.  You can fall down mentally, emotionally, spiritually…any number of ways.  Keep on getting up – one more time!

And number 10 is one I should really listen to.  That bathroom scale is the bane of my existence!  Of course, I don’t have to step up on it – but it’s like a magnet to me.  I just MUST see if I’ve lost any weight since yesterday!  Any of you out there like that?  Frustrating, isn’t it?

C:\Users\Judy's toy\Pictures\Judy\Go run.jpg

I have no idea where I found these jewels of wisdom, so I really can’t give credit to it to anyone.  But I thought it good enough to pass along. 

I hope you got a chuckle out of these “sayings” – as much as I did.

Judy is living in Central Florida with her retired U.S. Air Force husband of 50+ years. Born in Dallas, Texas, she grew up in the Southwestern United States.She met her husband at their church, where he was attending the university in her town. After college and seminary, he entered the Air Force, and their adventures began.They lived in eight of our United States, and spent six years in Europe, where their oldest daughter was born. She was a stay-at-home mom for many years .

  Judy has always been involved with music, both playing the piano and singing. Always interested in exercise, she was an aerobic dancing instructor, as well as a piano teacher for many years, and continues to faithfully exercise at home.

After moving to Central Florida, she served as a church secretary for nearly nine years.Her main hobby at this point in time is scanning pictures and 35mm slides into the computer. She also enjoys scrapbooking.She and her husband have two married daughters and four grandchildren, including grandtwins as well as a great-grandson. She and her husband enjoy the Disney parks as often as possible.

CPR Alert!

1 Dec

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

Recently I read a short story in a magazine that prompted a memory for me.  It reminded me of a time back in the 1970’s when we lived on Tyndall AFB in Panama City, Florida.

Photo credit WJHG.com  Credit Google search

I don’t remember why I decided to take a CPR class on base, but I did.  I passed the class and was certified to do CPR should the need arise.  Perhaps I took it just in case I should need it with my young girls – who knows?

See the source image

Credit Google Search and wkw.com

In any case, at that time I was attending Gulf Coast Community College, majoring in music.  I remember that I was on my way to class one day, and had stopped in at a McDonald’s, for lunch.

Just as I got settled at an outside table, some people helped a lady outside and laid her down on the tiles.  My first thought was: “OH NO!!  I’M GOING TO HAVE TO USE MY CPR!!”

Fortunately, it wasn’t needed.  The lady had lots of help, and didn’t need CPR.

But that brings me to the story that brought that memory to me.  It’s MUCH funnier than I experienced.  See what you think:

It was a story of a lady (a grandma)

Grandmother, Old Age, Elderly Woman

Credit Pixabay

 who had just received her CPR training and certification.  She and her grandson were out school-shopping in a mall.  When she spotted a group of people standing around someone on the floor, she ordered her grandson to “stay here” and headed to the group.

She told the onlookers to “step back!  I know CPR!”  Just as she knelt down to begin CPR, she was grabbed by both shoulders and lifted to her feet.  Looking up into the face of another man, who was looking strangely at her, he explained that he was an undercover cop and was trying to arrest the man on the floor.

Even the thief was looking at her strangely.

I laughed and laughed at this story. I hope you did, as well.

Judy is living in Central Florida with her retired U.S. Air Force husband of 50+ years. Born in Dallas, Texas, she grew up in the Southwestern United States.She met her husband at their church, where he was attending the university in her town. After college and seminary, he entered the Air Force, and their adventures began.They lived in eight of our United States, and spent six years in Europe, where their oldest daughter was born. She was a stay-at-home mom for many years .

  Judy has always been involved with music, both playing the piano and singing. Always interested in exercise, she was an aerobic dancing instructor, as well as a piano teacher for many years, and continues to faithfully exercise at home.

After moving to Central Florida, she served as a church secretary for nearly nine years.Her main hobby at this point in time is scanning pictures and 35mm slides into the computer. She also enjoys scrapbooking.She and her husband have two married daughters and four grandchildren, including grandtwins as well as a great-grandson. She and her husband enjoy the Disney parks as often as possible.

Don’t Judge

17 Jan

On the Porch

Onisha Ellis

 

Photo credit WFTV 9 in Orlando, Fl

 

 

We are spending the winter in Florida. Before we left North Carolina we had some wet and chilly days so I was able to observe the type of outerwear being worn this year. This, along with some weight loss prompted me to purchase a lightweight but warm, quilted jacket at the an after Christmas sale. ( Everyone was wearing them) When I packed for Florida, I brought 4 outerwear items. 4… What was I thinking? When we lived in Florida full-time I never had 4. I would drool over sweaters in the stores but I already had one I liked so why spend the money?

This week brought some chilly temps as well as wind and gave me a chance to observe the Florida folks outerwear. I saw lots of sweatshirts and even dress length coats. Now non Florida raised people might consider this to be wimpy but you would be wrong. Cute sweatshirts and coats are fun to wear and since the state has limited cold days, they must be worn as soon as the temps drop.

The political world has a mantra: “Don’t let a crisis go to waste.” Well in Florida we have one too: “Don’t let a chilly day go to waste!”

 

 

I'm a winnerAfter my retirement, I decided to re-learn the canning and preserving skills I learned from my mother but hadn’t practiced for twenty years. I titled the blog Old Things R New to chronicle my experience.  Since then I have been blessed to have six other bloggers join me, DiVoran Lites, Bill Lites,  Judy Wills, Louise Gibson, Janet Perez Eckles and Melody Hendrix

In addition to blogging, I work as the publicist/marketer/ amateur editor and general  “mom Friday” for my author daughter, Rebekah Lyn. I also manage her website, Rebekah Lyn Books  where we frequently host the best in up and coming authors.

Conquering Perception

30 Aug

On the Porch

Onisha Ellis

 

Stepping on the weight scales can be daunting. I can identify with the anxiety some feel after avoiding the dreaded scales for weeks on end. We step on and inwardly shudder whether it is a one pound gain or 5. How could this happen?

 

Source India Times Health Tips

 

Lately I have been on the downside of the scales and I have noticed something odd. A year ago, the digital numbers would have made me cringe in despair but since I am losing, I step off the scales with a smile of satisfaction. Mind you, it is the same weight that sent me into a faint a year ago.  But now, my clothes fit looser and I can imagine myself moving down a size.

I have decided the key to this oddity is my perception of how my clothes fit. You see, we have been in counseling and learning about how perception affects our mental narrative.  When my weight is going up, clothes remind me every day of my failure. BUT when my weight is going down, the loose fitting clothes confirm my success. My solution? In the future I will buy clothes at least one size larger. It’s all about perception!

 

Photo by Nicole Honeywill on Unsplash

 

 

 

 

I'm a winnerAfter my retirement, I decided to re-learn the canning and preserving skills I learned from my mother but hadn’t practiced for twenty years. I titled the blog Old Things R New to chronicle my experience.  Since then I have been blessed to have six other bloggers join me, DiVoran Lites, Bill Lites,  Judy Wills, Louise Gibson, Janet Perez Eckles and Melody Hendrix

In addition to blogging, I work as the publicist/marketer/ amateur editor and general  “mom Friday” for my author daughter, Rebekah Lyn. I also manage her website, Rebekah Lyn Books  where we frequently host the best in up and coming authors.

People Do The Funniest Things Part~2

20 May

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

 

 

 

I’ve been thinking about some of the funny/weird things that people do – including myself. Sometimes I wonder about myself when I find myself doing something really strange.

For instance – when I am walking along a street/sidewalk/road, if I see a grate over a drain – I make sure that I don’t step on that grate.

 

The type of drain grate within the circle

 

I’m absolutely convinced that, if I step on it – it will fall through and down I will go! It hasn’t happened yet, but I’m convinced…. And I see others walking over them all the time, but if I were to….

My Aunt Jessie was a special case in point:

 

Aunt Jessie

She had several superstitions that were unreasonable to me. For instance – she would never go to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico, because she was convinced that, the day she visited the caverns, they would collapse in on her!

 

Credit Google Search and New Mexico Geological Attractions and Destinations

I know that I visited the caverns at least once, and here I am to tell that they did NOT collapse! Such are irrational fears – that are quite real, unfortunately. She had another superstition that I laughed about a lot. I’m sure that many have a fear of crossing the path of a black cat – or is that just an American superstition? Don’t know.

 

Credit Google Search and Wikipedia

 

However, I DO know that, as I was riding in her car with her one time, a black cat ran across the road in front of us. We were only a block or two from her house, but she stopped the car, turned around, and went another way home! Funny to think of that now, but she was quite serious about it.

And one more about my Aunt Jessie: She had quite a collection of jewelry, including a lovely ring, set with an opal.

 

Credit Google Search

 

 

Unfortunately, Jessie had a superstition about opals – they had a “curse” on them, so only someone born in October could wear an opal without the curse affecting them. Fortunately, we had a family member who was born in October, and she received the ring. That is our own DiVoran.

And then there’s Fred’s mother.

 

 

While she was a dedicated wife and mother of her four children, she also had some down time. She did love to read, and she read a lot. But one of her favorite things to do was to play Solitaire….with cards, not on the computer. I actually attempted once to show her how to play it on the computer, but she just didn’t get it. I went really, really slow with the moves…and her comment was, “can you go slow so I can see how it works?” That was the last time I attempted that effort. But what was funny about watching her play, is that….she cheated! She would lift a card or a stack of cards and “peek” at the cards to see what was where, to know how to play, so she could win! It was hilarious to watch!

 

~~~~~More later – when I think of more zany things my family has done~~~~~

Cat-Astrophy

23 Jul

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

 

 

 

Do you have a pet? Have you ever had a pet? Cat? Dog? Bird? Fish? Snake (yuk!)? Turtle? I could go on and on….

I’ve written a previous post about my adventure with our family cats (please see my post of April 21, 2013 – Boots and Tippy), and how much we enjoyed them. And included in that post was the information about my Aunt Jessie and Granny’s dogs. That was really the best of both worlds – we had cats, and 10 minutes away from our house was Granny and Aunt Jessie’s house with dogs. Loved them all.

 

Bill and Judy and Boots 1956

 

Boots and Trixie

 

But then I met and married Fred. His family was a military family, and his parents said that, because they moved so often, it wasn’t practical to have pets. So Fred didn’t have the pleasure of growing up with animals around the house, as I did. And, consequently, he didn’t feel the need for pets in our house. And that feeling was emphasized following his entrance into the military, himself. Same feeling as his parents – we moved so often that it wasn’t practical to have pets. So we never did.

But that’s not to say that I didn’t miss having a cat or dog following me around the house. But I also have to admit, even now, that, because we travel as often as we do, it is quite convenient not to have to arrange care for an animal.

And I find it interesting – and amusing – to find that both our daughters have pets: Karen and her family have cats; Janet and her family have dogs.

But that brings a memory to me of a time that we cat-sat for someone. We were in our first tour of duty in Germany – Wiesbaden. It was 1968, and Karen was just one year old. A family from our church went on vacation, and asked us to keep their new kitten for the few days they would be gone.

 


Credit Google Search and the Kitten Lady

 

It was cute little thing, and Karen was quite taken with it. I remember she had a set of winter mittens – hooked together by a long yarn cord. She would run through the apartment – holding one of the mittens, with the other trailing – and the kitten would chase it. She had great fun out of that.

On to the crux of this story: it was my habit to put her in the bathtub to play in the water while I cleaned the rest of the bathroom. We would have conversations, as well. I had done so one particular day when we had that kitten with us. I had cleaned the toilet, and had the lid propped up to let the seat dry. The door to the bathroom was open – and that kitten made a mad dash for the toilet – and jumped up to sit on the closed lid – only to realize, mid-leap, that the lid was up and the toilet was open! With front paws splayed, that kitten landed smack in the water in the toilet bowl! And then leaped out with a loud yowl!

 

Credit Google Search and Warren Photographic

 

That poor, wet, bedraggled kitten was quite pitiful to see! But it was one of the funniest things I think I’ve ever seen! I never knew animals could have an expression of pure terror on their face – but that one did that time!

Karen and I had quite a laugh over it. And everyone I have ever related this story to, has also gotten a good laugh out of it.

It was quite the cat-astrophy in the making!!

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas Dinner “Take Out”

15 Dec

On the Porch

Onisha Ellis

The Christmas dinner I wrote about last week, gave me an unexpected “take out.” I didn’t ask for it and would have gladly left it there, but alas, it was somehow sent home with me and for the next twelve days I found myself changed into a cough factory. To complicate matters, I decided to bring out my stubborn panties and refused to see a doctor. After nine days, I waved the tissue of surrender and visited a walk in clinic. And voila, three days later I am on the mend.

As I am writing this, the sweet Holy Spirit tapped me on my heart, reminding me that the nasty cough is a learning opportunity. The next time I get my panties in a wad, don’t wait until I am miserable before taking the problem to the ultimate physician.

Ok, moving on… At our home in the North Carolina mountains, I like to celebrate the seasons and my favorite way is with an entryway display. I am not a crafty sort of person. Well, I can be devious, but I am talking about being crafty in an artsy sort of way, so this is a stretch for me. Over Thanksgiving I asked Rebekah to help me do something special for Christmas. I have an old Windsor chair that is the central piece. ( I think my mother rescued it from a trash heap)

Usually, I add a woven basket and fill it with shiny Christmas ball and pinecones, but this year I wanted to change it up. Our town in Florida recently was blessed with a Hobby Lobby store and the abundance of Christmas stems had me itching to use them.

I wanted the items in the display to have a story and as my mind make a mental inventory of items I could repurpose, I remembered a butter churn that came from my grandparents farm. It was old and dull and the paddle was broken. It lived at my parents home. One year my mother and husband worked together to give it a fresh coat of paint and fashion a new paddle. They gave it to me as a Christmas gift, a labor of love and I have treasured it. I decided it would make a perfect “vase”.

Rebekah helped me choose white, glittery poinsettia to go with the rather dashing red and green spray-ish  stem I had chosen to give it height. In some leftover Christmas supplies I found  red mesh ribbon and we tied it around the churn and attached a glittery bow ornament. ( Can you tell I am in a glittery phase) Now the poor paddle looked naked and lonely, so I rummaged through discarded tree decorations and found some tightly wound tinsel. We wrapped it around the paddle handle and it looked good, but was missing something. Rebekah pulled out a tree topper that was too heavy for our current tree. It is made of beaten metal and the lights gleam through Mickey Mouse ear shaped holes. Perfect!

For the chair, I decided to use a precious quilt a friend had made for me out of pieces of my mother’s favorite clothes.  We spread it over the chair, then placed a white stuffed bear, a discard from a grandchild, on the seat. I thought he looked a bit bare, so I went through drawers and found a pair of Sponge Bob Square Pants Christmas boxers. They were used one Christmas when the whole family wore Christmas PJs.  I slid them on and although they are too big and droopy, I like them. Memories are better than making a fashion statement. We added a Christmas pillow and a couple of small stuffed friends and the display was complete. It certainly is not elegant but the glow I feel when I pass it, makes it beautiful to me.

christmas-churn-copy

If you look closely you can see the star lights on the paddle top, peeping through the shiny stem.

Ten days until Christmas!

If Calories Didn’t Count

21 Oct

From the Heart

Louise GibsonA photo by Ben White. unsplash.com/photos/4K2lIP0zc_k

 

 

‘”The two biggest sellers in any book store
are the cook books and the diet books.

The cook book tells you how to prepare
the food, and the diet books tell you how
not to eat any of it.”
Andy Rooney

If calories didn’t count. we could eat whatever
we wanted
and the number on the scales wouldn’t mount.
If calories didn’t matter and wouldn’t make us
gain a pound,
We could throw away our scales,
and forget about growing round.

“Which book is in YOUR hand? : -)

Louise Gibson

My Dad Changed the Family DNA

14 Jul

On the Porch

Onisha Ellis

I'm a winner

I have been hearing about DNA Encoding. It seems that when a very traumatic event occurs in a life, it can affect the DNA, and future generations will have an irrational fear due to it. Well my dad was way ahead of the science. He didn’t give me an irrational fear but he did change the family DNA.

Me and dad

Me and dad

As a kid, if I got mouthy around him and THE LOOK from my mom didn’t work, he would grab the hair on the top of my head and pull until I was standing on tip toe. I hated having my hair pulled so I calmed down pretty quick. When our son came along, he did the usual kid thing of throwing himself on the floor and pitching a fit. Nothing worked to stop it. Finally at wit’s end, I reached down, grabbed his hair and pulled him off the floor. (Amazing how one’s body will follow the hair) It worked. Unfortunately, he did this frequently so a lot of hair pulling went on. Now I know, some people will be appalled by this, but it took the drama out of the situation.

When he was in kindergarten, his teacher asked him why the hair on the back of his head always stood up. His reply “my mom pulled it so much it stuck that way.” Embarrassing. Fast forward twenty years and he has a son whose hair sticks up in the same place.

I love this guy!

I love this guy!

My dad gave me a final hug twenty-three years ago today. I still miss him.

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