Tag Archives: Humor

Divine Humor-Part 2

26 Apr

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

Credit Clipart Library

As I mentioned recently, I frequently have to go through the stuff on my computer, just to weed out stuff I don’t need any more.

In doing so, I often come across something that tickles my funny bone.  Below is part two of something I found.  Enjoy!

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.  The attendant worked quickly but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.  Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “sorry about the delay.  It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean.  It’s the same in my business. “

*************************************************************************

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” 

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father.  “So, son, what does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy.  It stands for ‘Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'”

*************************************************************************

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.  Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.  The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently.  “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.” 

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Judy is living in Central Florida with her retired U.S. Air Force husband of 50+ years. Born in Dallas, Texas, she grew up in the Southwestern United States.She met her husband at their church, where he was attending the university in her town. After college and seminary, he entered the Air Force, and their adventures began.They lived in eight of our United States, and spent six years in Europe, where their oldest daughter was born. She was a stay-at-home mom for many years .

  Judy has always been involved with music, both playing the piano and singing. Always interested in exercise, she was an aerobic dancing instructor, as well as a piano teacher for many years, and continues to faithfully exercise at home.

After moving to Central Florida, she served as a church secretary for nearly nine years.Her main hobby at this point in time is scanning pictures and 35mm slides into the computer. She also enjoys scrapbooking.She and her husband have two married daughters and four grandchildren, including grandtwins as well as a great-grandson. She and her husband enjoy the Disney parks as often as possible.

Airline Mechanic Maintenance Responses

5 Apr

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

Some years ago I saw this somewhere, and it really tickled my funny bone. See if it appeals to you, as well:

UPS Airlines [I’m assuming this is United Parcel Service aircraft]

Image result for ups airplane

Courtesy Google search and UPS website

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. 

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. 

Image result for cartoon mechanic image airplane

Courtesy Google Search and Ya-webdesign

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P:    Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S:    Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P:    Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S:    Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P:    Something loose in cockpit

S:    Something tightened in cockpit

P:    Dead bugs on windshield.

S:    Live bugs on back-order.

P:    Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent 

S:    Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P:    Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S:    Evidence removed.

P:    DME volume unbelievably loud.

S:    DME volume set to more believable level.

P:    Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S:    That’s what friction locks are for.

P:    IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S:    IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P:    Suspected crack in windshield.

S:    Suspect you’re right.

P:    Number 3 engine missing.

S:    Engine found on right wing after brief search

P:    Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S:    Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P:    Target radar hums.

S:    Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P:    Mouse in cockpit.

S:    Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P:    Noise coming from under instrument panel.  Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S:    Took hammer away from midget.

Image result for people laughing cartoon

Courtesy Google Search and Clipartbay.com

Judy is living in Central Florida with her retired U.S. Air Force husband of 50+ years. Born in Dallas, Texas, she grew up in the Southwestern United States.She met her husband at their church, where he was attending the university in her town. After college and seminary, he entered the Air Force, and their adventures began.They lived in eight of our United States, and spent six years in Europe, where their oldest daughter was born. She was a stay-at-home mom for many years .

  Judy has always been involved with music, both playing the piano and singing. Always interested in exercise, she was an aerobic dancing instructor, as well as a piano teacher for many years, and continues to faithfully exercise at home.

After moving to Central Florida, she served as a church secretary for nearly nine years.Her main hobby at this point in time is scanning pictures and 35mm slides into the computer. She also enjoys scrapbooking.She and her husband have two married daughters and four grandchildren, including grandtwins as well as a great-grandson. She and her husband enjoy the Disney parks as often as possible.

We Must Have Humor

29 Mar

On the Porch

Onisha Ellis

Here in the U.S we seem to be virus weary. In various online church services today we were reminded to call those we know who are alone. Certainly good and loving advice. But my mind screamed what about those of us who have been inside with the same people for two weeks? We need fresh voices!

Facebook is filling up with humorous stories and videos. I particularly liked this one about homeschooling. The little guy on the harmonica is adorable.

There is a popular saying:

Live, Love, Laugh

Need a Good Belly Laugh?

29 Mar

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

Something happened to me years ago that I remember – and it usually produces a good belly laugh to anyone to whom I tell it.  It wasn’t funny – at least to me – at the time, but that’s the way of things, isn’t it?

Okay, here goes:  We were living in San Antonio, Texas at the time.

Our girls were quite young.  Fred had gone somewhere (I don’t remember where) and had taken our only car with him.

As it happened, I was having…..well.….how do I put this delicately?  Ummm intestinal issues?  Rather severe, as a matter of fact.  Nothing I did seemed to help.  I called the hospital, Wilford Hall, on Lackland AFB, and explained my situation. They assured me that, if I could get there soon, they would take me right in and fix me up.

The original Wilford Hall

Next question – who can I get to come stay with the girls?  And I needed a car to get me to the hospital.  So I called a good friend who lived near, Sonja, and asked if she would come stay with the girls, and could I borrow her car?  She was agreeable to both.

So we made the tradeoff, and off I went to Wilford Hall.  As promised, they took me right in, and gave me some medicine that fixed me up, indeed.  I waited a bit to make sure I was okay, then went out to Sonja’s car to go home.

I opened the driver’s door, and took my first look in her car.  And what to my surprise did I see?  THE BACK SEAT WAS MISSING!!

WHAT??? (mouth hanging wide open at this point)

THE BACK SEAT WAS MISSING??!!

Who in the world would STEAL the back seat out of a car?

So I ran back inside the hospital and called Sonja at my house (remember – waaayyy before cell phones at that time!).  When I breathlessly explained the situation, Sonja began to laugh and laugh and laugh.  When she could finally catch her breath, she said, “Judy, come on home.  We’re having the back seat re-upholstered!”

Well, it’s funny now, but I felt like a first-class-idiot!  She assured me that I wasn’t, and thanked me for the best laugh she’d had in a long time!  I’m sure her husband did, as well, when she told him!

And I hope you did, too.  It’s so much fun to look back on those times of our life and see them fondly.

Judy is living in Central Florida with her retired U.S. Air Force husband of 50+ years. Born in Dallas, Texas, she grew up in the Southwestern United States.She met her husband at their church, where he was attending the university in her town. After college and seminary, he entered the Air Force, and their adventures began.They lived in eight of our United States, and spent six years in Europe, where their oldest daughter was born. She was a stay-at-home mom for many years .

  Judy has always been involved with music, both playing the piano and singing. Always interested in exercise, she was an aerobic dancing instructor, as well as a piano teacher for many years, and continues to faithfully exercise at home.

After moving to Central Florida, she served as a church secretary for nearly nine years.Her main hobby at this point in time is scanning pictures and 35mm slides into the computer. She also enjoys scrapbooking.She and her husband have two married daughters and four grandchildren, including grandtwins as well as a great-grandson. She and her husband enjoy the Disney parks as often as possible.

Garfield

15 Mar

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

As I mentioned previously, when we were taking the daily newspaper, my favorite part was the “funny papers” or the comics.  I guess that shows just what a simple mind I have.  But that would get my day off to a funny start.

Consequently, when something hit me especially funny – or nostalgic – I would cut out that particular piece and save it for future enjoyment.

Garfield was one of my favorites.  There have been books and books printed with and about Garfield.  He is one funny cat!

And that’s probably why I enjoyed this particular cartoon so much.  I grew up with cats in my life, and they can really be funny animals.

Another reason this particular cartoon caught my attention was his activity.  I was an aerobic instructor at one time in my life, so this one really appealed to me.

I hope you get a good chuckle out of it – as did I.

Judy is living in Central Florida with her retired U.S. Air Force husband of 50+ years. Born in Dallas, Texas, she grew up in the Southwestern United States.She met her husband at their church, where he was attending the university in her town. After college and seminary, he entered the Air Force, and their adventures began.They lived in eight of our United States, and spent six years in Europe, where their oldest daughter was born. She was a stay-at-home mom for many years .

  Judy has always been involved with music, both playing the piano and singing. Always interested in exercise, she was an aerobic dancing instructor, as well as a piano teacher for many years, and continues to faithfully exercise at home.

After moving to Central Florida, she served as a church secretary for nearly nine years.Her main hobby at this point in time is scanning pictures and 35mm slides into the computer. She also enjoys scrapbooking.She and her husband have two married daughters and four grandchildren, including grandtwins as well as a great-grandson. She and her husband enjoy the Disney parks as often as possible.

Breakfast Oops!

22 Feb

On the Porch

Onisha Ellis

Image by Iva Balk from Pixabay

This morning I prepared scrambled eggs for our breakfast. I remembered that I had saved egg whites from the last batch of ice cream I made and never wanting to waste food, decided to add the whites to the eggs.

I took one bite, then another. Something wasn’t right!

Image by Karin Laurila from Pixabay

I sniffed. It couldn’t be! Cautiously I asked my daughter, “do your eggs taste like pickles?”

“Yes, she said and I kind of like the taste. It gives the eggs some zing.”( I love this girl)

Being a wise man and fond of his food, my husband kept eating.

Thinking on how this happened, I remembered making ice cream and adding two egg whites to a half full, small round container in the fridge. I often used that size for egg whites.

I asked my daughter about that container. Turns out she was saving pickle juice and the official pickle jars were full.

She put some in the type of small round containers that I put egg whites in!

Mystery solved and the eggs weren’t bad!

Have you had a cooking oops? Share so I won’t feel that I am the only one.

A Tribute to Erma Bombeck

26 Jan

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

AT WIT’S END

As I mentioned last time, from time-to-time I go through some of my “stuff” – mostly papers – and run across some things that I’ve saved for one reason or another.  That happened recently, while I was searching for a particular photo I wanted to use in one of my postings.

In searching, I came upon this article written by Erma Bombeck.  She always wrote such fun and funny things.  Obviously this one was written about teenagers, and I must have saved it because I had teenagers at the time.  In any case, I thought it was funny – and appropriate – enough to save.

I hope you think the same.

Here is “At Wits End” by Erma Bombeck:

Judy is living in Central Florida with her retired U.S. Air Force husband of 50+ years. Born in Dallas, Texas, she grew up in the Southwestern United States.She met her husband at their church, where he was attending the university in her town. After college and seminary, he entered the Air Force, and their adventures began.They lived in eight of our United States, and spent six years in Europe, where their oldest daughter was born. She was a stay-at-home mom for many years .

  Judy has always been involved with music, both playing the piano and singing. Always interested in exercise, she was an aerobic dancing instructor, as well as a piano teacher for many years, and continues to faithfully exercise at home.

After moving to Central Florida, she served as a church secretary for nearly nine years.Her main hobby at this point in time is scanning pictures and 35mm slides into the computer. She also enjoys scrapbooking.She and her husband have two married daughters and four grandchildren, including grandtwins as well as a great-grandson. She and her husband enjoy the Disney parks as often as possible.

Smith Sayings

15 Dec

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

As I mentioned last time, I recently went through some of my stuff – papers, mostly – and I found some interesting things that sparked my interest.  Obviously this one sparked my interest some time ago, because I cut out this clipping.  I got a good laugh out of most of these.  See what you think:

I especially like the first one – “The size of your foot has very little to do with your ability to get it into your mouth.”  Oh my…how many times have I done just that??!!  Far too many, that’s for sure.  James 1:26 in the Bible tells us to keep a tight rein on our tongues.  I’m old enough that you would think I would have a good handle on that, but I seem to keep putting my foot in my mouth all the time! 

Chucks, Converse, Shoes, Footwear

Credit Google Search and Pixabay

Number three is a good follow-on to number one, don’t you think?

Remember…your tongue is in a wet place and likely to slip!

Number eight is certainly one to remember.  If you fall down, keep getting up!  And you can fall down in many ways – not just physically.  You can fall down mentally, emotionally, spiritually…any number of ways.  Keep on getting up – one more time!

And number 10 is one I should really listen to.  That bathroom scale is the bane of my existence!  Of course, I don’t have to step up on it – but it’s like a magnet to me.  I just MUST see if I’ve lost any weight since yesterday!  Any of you out there like that?  Frustrating, isn’t it?

C:\Users\Judy's toy\Pictures\Judy\Go run.jpg

I have no idea where I found these jewels of wisdom, so I really can’t give credit to it to anyone.  But I thought it good enough to pass along. 

I hope you got a chuckle out of these “sayings” – as much as I did.

Judy is living in Central Florida with her retired U.S. Air Force husband of 50+ years. Born in Dallas, Texas, she grew up in the Southwestern United States.She met her husband at their church, where he was attending the university in her town. After college and seminary, he entered the Air Force, and their adventures began.They lived in eight of our United States, and spent six years in Europe, where their oldest daughter was born. She was a stay-at-home mom for many years .

  Judy has always been involved with music, both playing the piano and singing. Always interested in exercise, she was an aerobic dancing instructor, as well as a piano teacher for many years, and continues to faithfully exercise at home.

After moving to Central Florida, she served as a church secretary for nearly nine years.Her main hobby at this point in time is scanning pictures and 35mm slides into the computer. She also enjoys scrapbooking.She and her husband have two married daughters and four grandchildren, including grandtwins as well as a great-grandson. She and her husband enjoy the Disney parks as often as possible.

CPR Alert!

1 Dec

SUNDAY MEMORIES

Judy Wills

Recently I read a short story in a magazine that prompted a memory for me.  It reminded me of a time back in the 1970’s when we lived on Tyndall AFB in Panama City, Florida.

Photo credit WJHG.com  Credit Google search

I don’t remember why I decided to take a CPR class on base, but I did.  I passed the class and was certified to do CPR should the need arise.  Perhaps I took it just in case I should need it with my young girls – who knows?

See the source image

Credit Google Search and wkw.com

In any case, at that time I was attending Gulf Coast Community College, majoring in music.  I remember that I was on my way to class one day, and had stopped in at a McDonald’s, for lunch.

Just as I got settled at an outside table, some people helped a lady outside and laid her down on the tiles.  My first thought was: “OH NO!!  I’M GOING TO HAVE TO USE MY CPR!!”

Fortunately, it wasn’t needed.  The lady had lots of help, and didn’t need CPR.

But that brings me to the story that brought that memory to me.  It’s MUCH funnier than I experienced.  See what you think:

It was a story of a lady (a grandma)

Grandmother, Old Age, Elderly Woman

Credit Pixabay

 who had just received her CPR training and certification.  She and her grandson were out school-shopping in a mall.  When she spotted a group of people standing around someone on the floor, she ordered her grandson to “stay here” and headed to the group.

She told the onlookers to “step back!  I know CPR!”  Just as she knelt down to begin CPR, she was grabbed by both shoulders and lifted to her feet.  Looking up into the face of another man, who was looking strangely at her, he explained that he was an undercover cop and was trying to arrest the man on the floor.

Even the thief was looking at her strangely.

I laughed and laughed at this story. I hope you did, as well.

Judy is living in Central Florida with her retired U.S. Air Force husband of 50+ years. Born in Dallas, Texas, she grew up in the Southwestern United States.She met her husband at their church, where he was attending the university in her town. After college and seminary, he entered the Air Force, and their adventures began.They lived in eight of our United States, and spent six years in Europe, where their oldest daughter was born. She was a stay-at-home mom for many years .

  Judy has always been involved with music, both playing the piano and singing. Always interested in exercise, she was an aerobic dancing instructor, as well as a piano teacher for many years, and continues to faithfully exercise at home.

After moving to Central Florida, she served as a church secretary for nearly nine years.Her main hobby at this point in time is scanning pictures and 35mm slides into the computer. She also enjoys scrapbooking.She and her husband have two married daughters and four grandchildren, including grandtwins as well as a great-grandson. She and her husband enjoy the Disney parks as often as possible.

Don’t Judge

17 Jan

On the Porch

Onisha Ellis

 

Photo credit WFTV 9 in Orlando, Fl

 

 

We are spending the winter in Florida. Before we left North Carolina we had some wet and chilly days so I was able to observe the type of outerwear being worn this year. This, along with some weight loss prompted me to purchase a lightweight but warm, quilted jacket at the an after Christmas sale. ( Everyone was wearing them) When I packed for Florida, I brought 4 outerwear items. 4… What was I thinking? When we lived in Florida full-time I never had 4. I would drool over sweaters in the stores but I already had one I liked so why spend the money?

This week brought some chilly temps as well as wind and gave me a chance to observe the Florida folks outerwear. I saw lots of sweatshirts and even dress length coats. Now non Florida raised people might consider this to be wimpy but you would be wrong. Cute sweatshirts and coats are fun to wear and since the state has limited cold days, they must be worn as soon as the temps drop.

The political world has a mantra: “Don’t let a crisis go to waste.” Well in Florida we have one too: “Don’t let a chilly day go to waste!”

 

 

I'm a winnerAfter my retirement, I decided to re-learn the canning and preserving skills I learned from my mother but hadn’t practiced for twenty years. I titled the blog Old Things R New to chronicle my experience.  Since then I have been blessed to have six other bloggers join me, DiVoran Lites, Bill Lites,  Judy Wills, Louise Gibson, Janet Perez Eckles and Melody Hendrix

In addition to blogging, I work as the publicist/marketer/ amateur editor and general  “mom Friday” for my author daughter, Rebekah Lyn. I also manage her website, Rebekah Lyn Books  where we frequently host the best in up and coming authors.

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